This is it!!!

Tomorrow is the day. I take my exam tomorrow morning. I have been wanting to "hurl", as my kids would say, for two days now. I have to pass. I have no choice. I have signed a contract with the practice, she ordered business cards. She called yesterday to ask about what alphabet soup I wanted behind my name for signage in the lobby of the two office buildings--yes, I think I can taste it in my throat now, ewww!. But, there's no pressure or anything. Oh, the write up in the hospital advertisement/newsletter they send to EVERY surrounding town that has already been printed, an article about how they are moving up in the world and now have a nurse midwife, that is waiting to be mailed--no pressure.

The funny thing is I kept saying along the way to everyone--can we not do any of this until I take the exam and know if I have even passed??!! No one ever listens to me. So, I guess I better pass.

Oh, here comes another wave of nausea---ugh!!

My own Shawshank

The Shawshank Redemption is a great movie. There was a character, Brooks Hatlen, who was paroled after 50 years in prison. This man has no idea what to do with his new found freedom. In fact, he finds it downright unsettling. So much so that he ends up hanging himself. He was happier in prison.

Okay, so no, I am not going to hang myself. After working obscene amounts of hours for years and then working full-time plus full-time school--oh, and the matter of the six children we have, one would think that I would be enjoying this week off. I am done with school. I am not traveling a total of 3 hours round trip to the hospital/practice that I was doing my internship with and I am no longer working as a L&D RN. All but one of the kids have started school and I am home. I am going nuts!!! I am trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my new found freedom. Right now--I study. I highlight. I make index cards.

I feel like I went from driving in the left lane to the antique cars at an amusement park. Yes, there are things to enjoy about each--I just need to find it. I am sure that by next week I will settle in. Probably once I am comfortable with my freedom I will be thrown back onto the highway--a busy, busy office, call, finding my way as a new midwife and convincing the other OB's from different practices that really I am not there to gobble up their "piece of the pie".

Studying

I read. I highlight. I make index cards. I do this every day.

Yes, on top of being a midwife it is safe to say I have OCD and a strong leaning towards perfectionism. But, I am comfortable with that. Over the years, nurses and doctors that share those same psychiatric diagnoses, are the ones I want caring for my family and myself. I obsess over taking the certification exam. Everyone tells me--"Of course you will pass". I am thankful for their confidence just wish I could own some of it. As I continue to read, highlight, and make index cards until I sit for the exam--the man I love in the next room will remain the "lonely husband".